Reflections

Who am I today?" I ask, and I wonder if I even know. I know the past has shaped me now, even though the past was long ago.

The little moments form a blur. The times both happy and sad, all the people I once knew and the things I used to have.

They all helped me to become where, what and who I am now, because everything has influenced me, I'm not sure exactly how.

But I'm thankful for the memories, even of the people I've never really met. For the people I miss, the people I love, and even the people I'd like to forget.

For these memories have helped me grow. They've made me calm, yet strong. And now there's a story to my life that they've been writing all along.

So, thank you for the memories. Without them, I don't know who I'd be - because somewhere among these memories are the things that define me..

A Road Trip

After the fateful viewing session of the “Casino Royale” at the exclusive movie theatre in town with 15 people including friends and colleagues previous Friday, this weekend saw me looking forward to rest and leisure in capital R and L. Watching movies are just for fun, but a movie where my colleague Florian can literally fall asleep in the hall, my friend Mishu can actually miss the bond's hitech gadgets and someone else yearn for the usual strong female character and grumble about it throughout the movie, fun can be calculated in degrees. The movie had left us feeling less than exhilarated and to pep ourselves up, I and my friend Mishu decided one good movie after a bad one was in order, so we both headed out to Gulshan club to see an Indian Movie. But with our luck, the movie was in bad taste and we ran out during interval and ended up in a coffee shop to remove the “bad movie buzzes” with cups of cappuccino and coffee mocha.

After last weekend’s interesting fiasco I decided studying and staying home was the key for this weekend treat. But thanks to my friends, I awoke to Rica’s phone call and got talked into a short road trip to Jamuna Resorts. We didn't regret it. For starters, she had a half day plan at the resort where she had booked a room for leisure where we would enjoy the resort view, have time to talk, relax and come back rejuvenated after the long 6 hours drive to and fro from the destination. So, we all started out in zest.

After traveling for a while, we decided to have impromptu breakfast at one of those tea-stalls on the roadside. As I had not had the privilege of ever doing that in Dhaka city I was all up for adventurous food. But, it seemed I was not adventurous enough because I ended up avoiding the breakfast which consisted of yummy egg omelete and paratha and stuck to the tea instead. My friend Farhana actually ended up with a questionable stomach afterwards, so you might want to reconsider doing that if you have a sensitive stomach.

The drive included listening to a wide range of songs, thanks to Miss Marium DJ, she was totally in sync with our moods along the way. We were happy, we were all excited about our trip and we were in the mood. It didn't last long.

The customer service at Jamuna resort was disturbingly spectacular. We had our long hairs flying with extreme disapproval and our colors rose with distaste when our "booked" room turned out to be a shower room instead or what looked like a shower room. It was wholly unexpected and non acceptable since we were being charged for Standard Rooms. And here I must say, it’s not the money but the audacity of the receptionist to think we could settle for it on the excuse that all the rooms were booked out. Whatever happened to honesty and customer service to corporate clients?

As this episode was similar to when we had gone to a Mexican restaurant in town and they served us Doritos when we had ordered for Nachos we decided that we would not accept this behaviour. Specially not when we were all in such high spirits. We decided that either customer service really needed to spruce up at certain places in the country or the receptionist really believed there are people who would stand for this kind of treatment.

It’s imperative to mention here that since we were all corporate people dealing mainly with clients and customers and we could all completely identify the sub-standard service we were being offered. So, we politely huffed and puffed and blew the place down, refused to take the room that was given to us in blind fate and went to Elenga resort for lunch instead which was really nice, especially the fish dishes.

The day proved to be a mixture of adventure, fun, realization, excitement and lots of laughter.

Moral of the trip: “Do not settle for less than what you truly think you deserve. You owe it to yourself to be treated nicely and justifiably.”

The Crow

I awakened at dawn with a bird singing outside my window, the bird in question is named the “Crow”. They are a breed of birds which are loud, noisy and a complete nuisance to mental peace, not to mention ugly to look at too.

In Bangladesh, I feel that crows could replace the “Doel” (Magpie Robbin) in being the national bird because there are so many of them around that it’s crazy. Our neighborhood hardly had any crows inhabiting it even five years ago. But today, I think I heard about a thousand of them happily “cawing” away to glory. Just like the traffic, even crows are becoming congested, denoting phenomenal growth in population with growing human habitats, terrible garbage management systems and clutter in the neighborhoods.

Crows have always intimidated me ever since I had watched Alfred Hitchcock’s “The Birds” when I was 10yrs old. It wasn’t the first horror movie I have watched but it was unduly one of the scariest. I do not love watching horror movies in general simply because I prefer not wasting time and energy in putting myself through that ordeal. So, while my friends are welcome to squeal in glee while watching horror movies to satisfy their own masochistic pleasure I prefer happy feel good movies, drama, thrillers and comedy with happy endings.

"The Birds” was undoubtedly one of the greatest movies ever created. Major parts of the world still associate the crow with superstition. My mom used to think that if a crow caws right outside your window, it’s a death call. Scary, but if realistically viewed, the country is doomed if that was true. My friend Rica said that there were different cawing techniques of the crow which each might denote something different. Perhaps, if she is right, the first time I got a promotion can be associated with a crow cawing loudly directly over my head as I was walking through the gate with a pace of 1s of cawing interspaced with 2s interval. Calls described in the scientific literature can be explained only as a language of crows. But, how and when they got connected to human superstition is still a part of mythology.

The great majority of the world still believes in superstition. I myself believe in an existence beyond this one and of superstition but that’s not reason, it’s faith. Asians tend to be syncretism in their approach to change. Thus Taoism absorbs previous shamanistic beliefs; we should not be surprised to see that people now still believe in ghosts and spirits. I personally do not feel that it is a sign of mental backwardness, but rather evidence of the resiliency of a continuum of beliefs.

In modern life, some individuals, not otherwise involved in the practice of a tribal religion, have chosen to adopt a personal spirit animal helper which has some kind of special meaning to them and incorrectly call this a totem. Beliefs regarding these animal helpers can vary, from merely adopting one as a whim, to adopting an animal that a person sees representing favorable traits reflected in their own behavior or appearance, called a power animal by the Foundation for Shamanic Studies

According to that belief, a crow totem is supposedly an “Omen of Change”. It is stated that “Crows are messengers calling to us about the creation and magic that is alive in the world today and available to us”.

So shall I belief that totems really work just because a crow cawing has signified a promotion at work just once? For someone like me, here is something that’s far for scarier than having a crow cawing or watching a horror movie.

The media reports fueling superstition in South Korea where the free tabloid recently ran a story about three popular Korean celebrities who were filming a television show in Phuket, saying the stars reported hearing voices at their hotel that they believed were spirits.

Not Just a Regular Day at the Office

Today, we shifted into the new office building after the merger between the two great companies. It’s in a new building situated right next to my old office, so there wasn’t much hassle during the shifting process for the entire team.

We are spending the entire day rearranging desks. There are more people situated on one floor now than it was initially meant to be. For the moment, we are all piled into the top floor while the other floors are getting furnished.

Surprisingly, the shifting process worked faster than expected. I was even surprised to find that the IT and the Admin department had done such an excellent job during the weekend on the PABX, intranet and ID cards punch-in machines. The lifts are not operational yet so I guess until it does; climbing up to the fourth floor (which actually feels like the sixth) should help me loose those calories I have been willing to shed for a while.

The place is possibly as great as I had initially expected it to be, but the excitement has deemed somewhat. The cubicles and the rooms have been enacted so close to each other due to the cramped-up piling of people onto one floor that the spaces between the cubicles are less comparatively. Even though this is just a temporary situation, it's leading to the effect of being cooped up like a pack of birds. The entire shifting process was quite thrilling nevertheless. It was a whole new changeover, like having a haircut or something. My sitting area is situated in front of those huge windows so I now have a lovely view of coconut trees until the blinds are plugged in. It’s refreshing and nice and spacious for me compared to the others, so why the nostalgia?

I guess I can only say that some things are hard to control. Mentally and physically I am situated in the new office building but my feelings are more honest: "no matter how flexible a person I claim to be or how exciting a change, there will always be a part of me that will take just a little longer than a day to adjust, its all just a matter of time". The initial kinks during a shift have to be worked upon and like always, without fail, the familiarity will finally set in. And than, life shall move on until we have to shift again when the entire building is completed. And I shall write this line again with excitement, thrill and nostalgia.

"Today is not a repeat performance but a debut"

Valentine at Country Home

It was thought that birds chose their mate for the year on February 14. Doves and pigeons mate for life and therefore were used as a symbol of "fidelity." European Valentine

Valentine's Day is a relatively new concept in Bangladesh which has been embraced by the increasingly westernised youth. This year, private television channels targeting more liberal, young Bangladeshis aired special valentine-themed programmes.

Bangladesh, surprisingly has evolved in technology too. Caught up in the spirit of valentines, I actually went to work this valentine in a cab with a DVD player in it showing Bollywood love songs.

As soon as I got to work, our office mail announced a “blackout holiday” the following day. It was office shifting day into a new building, so all we had to do was pack our belongings in boxes provided to us and clear out for the day.

Happily, I went to lunch with my colleagues at work and a friend. At home, more surprises lay waiting. My mom took me out shopping for a perfect valentine gift for my dad. She ended up piling up the shopping cart with chocolates for all of us. She also bought a nice card(see pic) and a special gift for dad. I called up my friend Farhana in amusement and she informed me that her parents were actually celebrating valentines in style too; with flowers and dinner invitation for all her aunts and uncles.

I had dinner with an old friend from school to reminisce school days. It was a very relaxing evening; we talked about how our lives took us through the last 15yrs ever since we were kids. So, special tip for all, if you don’t have someone special to celebrate valentine with, try being with close friends for a change. It’s worth more than being alone on valentine. I realised that life was indeed, full of love if we just, like farhana said “looked around”.

Thanks to media and publicity. Valentine day in Bangladesh is not just for those special couples anymore. We can all enjoy valentine now in a more casual realistic way!

As legend foretells, the bishop, Valentine didn’t realise what he had started in Rome when he wrote that letter to his lady love and signed it “From your Valentine” in 270AD, on the 14th of February.

Falgun and The Color Yellow

The first day of Falgun is marked with colorful celebration of the advent of spring. Traditionally, women wear yellow saris to celebrate this day. As the country celebrates this day with cultural shows, musical programmes and merriment welcoming spring, the fairer gender in my office today wore yellow saris and shalwar kameezes.

I looked around and realised one thing. People look good in yellow so the ad hop of childhood days "yellow yellow, dirty fellow"definitely does not hold true. I still remember how my roommate in college days had termed yellow as a happy color. She had made us buy yellow bedspreads, yellow curtains and even had a bright yellow smiley on the mirror atop the wash basin. Every morning, when I would brush my teeth the nice smiley would stare back at me making me grin. Surprisingly today I was going through an article on color symbolism and there it was, under color therapy yellow was said to “energize, relieve depression, improve memory and stimulates appetite”

The color yellow is vibrant, for those interested in such things, the yellow rose denotes Joy, Gladness, Friendship, Delight, Promise of a new beginning, Welcome Back, Remember Me, and Jealousy and "I care".

Happy Falgun Everyone!

An Angel of Confidence

I was watching TV for a change yesterday and while switching channels, I came across a movie where the actress was giving an Oscar performance with her water works. I paused to find out the reason of her grief. It appeared that the actress was playing the role of an actress on the sets and after forgetting her lines for the third time she broke down and completely lost her confidence. To add to her despair, she overheard people on the sets laughing at her inability to sound coherent. So acute was her aggravation of non performance that she shut herself in her boudoir and refused to continue with the shootings until a psychiatrist had to be fetched to boost her inspiration. I switched off the TV and sighed.

Now, this is possibly an exaggeration of any such situation but this rang a bell in my mind. A decade ago, I was a Karate student waiting to perform for my belt test and I was so nervous that I kept forgetting the “Katha” (A sequence of karate moves required to pass a belt test), until I was asked to step aside and come back later. I was aghast and I became certain that I would never get my blue belt in Karate “Wado” that day.

Backstage, a senior green belt student came up to me and passed me a bottle of water and asked me why I was hyper-ventilating. I related my problems and mentioned how I felt I should leave Karate altogether. He calmly talked to me, asking me if I liked learning Karate and how long I had practiced for the test. Eventually, somewhere along the line of conversation I realized that nothing mattered to me but the fact that I was learning karate, the test was to celebrate my knowledge in it. After a few more minutes of pep talk I walked right into the arena, gave an amazing performance and won myself a silver medal that day; along with my blue belt.

Eventually, though I did finally stop learning Karate after getting the blue belt. But, now whenever I think of winning, I realize that I can win, if only there is one person in the world who can believe that I can. And if there isn’t an angel in the room, than that angel has to be me! Life is all about feeling good about who you are, what you can do and what makes you happy. We have the power and the weapons right there, within ourselves.

But, on a side note, it’s important to accept the fact that we are not superhuman and sometimes there are moments when putting one step ahead can feel like the riskiest thing to do on earth. Here, we indeed become dependent on others for our actions. Sometimes, acceptance by others becomes such an integral part of ourselves that we forget where and when the line was established and that’s when our lives, our happiness and our destination are handed over.

We meet a lot of people in our daily life. People whose comments can change our course of life if we are not confident of our own actions, so it’s very important to connect to our inner strength in such a way that lives no space for self doubt or be careful who we hand down our scepter to. So, here I must say that we should believe in ourselves. We, and only we, are responsible for the happiness we bring to this world and into our life.

"Believe all, trust a few and do wrong to no one!"

Life and Its Rules

"Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood"- Hellen Keller

Here are Cherie Carter-Scott's rules for life - also known as 'The Ten Rules For Being Human' and referenced in her book with Jack Canfield: 'Chicken Soup For The Soul' - are a map for understanding and pursuing personal development, and for helping others to understand and develop too. 'If Life Is A Game, These Are The Rules'

Rule One - You will receive a body. Whether you love it or hate it, it's yours for life, so accept it. What counts is what's inside.

Rule Two - You will be presented with lessons. Life is a constant learning experience, which every day provides opportunities for you to learn more. These lessons are specific to you, and learning them 'is the key to discovering and fulfilling the meaning and relevance of your own life'.

Rule Three - There are no mistakes, only lessons. Your development towards wisdom is a process of experimentation, trial and error, so it's inevitable things will not always go to plan or turn out how you'd want. Compassion is the remedy for harsh judgement - of ourselves and others. Forgiveness is not only divine - it's also 'the act of erasing an emotional debt'. Behaving ethically, with integrity, and with humour - especially the ability to laugh at yourself and your own mishaps - are central to the perspective that 'mistakes' are simply lessons we must learn.

Rule Four - The lesson is repeated until learned. What manifest as problems and challenges, irritations and frustrations are more lessons - they will repeat until you see them as such and learn from them. Your own awareness and your ability to change are requisites of executing this rule. Also fundamental is the acceptance that you are not a victim of fate or circumstance - 'causality' must be acknowledged; that is to say: things happen to you because of how you are and what you do. To blame anyone or anything else for your misfortunes is an escape and a denial; you yourself are responsible for you, and what happens to you. Patience is required - change doesn't happen overnight, so give change time to happen.

Rule Five - Learning does not end. While you are alive there are always lessons to be learned. Surrender to the 'rhythm of life', don't struggle against it. Commit to the process of constant learning and change - be humble enough to always acknowledge your own weaknesses, and be flexible enough to adapt from what you may be accustomed to, because rigidity will deny you the freedom of new possibilities.

Rule Six - "There" is no better than "here". The other side of the hill may be greener than your own, but being there is not the key to endless happiness. Be grateful for and enjoy what you have, and where you are on your journey. Appreciate the abundance of what's good in your life, rather than measure and amass things that do not actually lead to happiness. Living in the present helps you attain peace.

Rule Seven - Others are only mirrors of you. You love or hate something about another person according to what love or hate about yourself. Be tolerant; accept others as they are, and strive for clarity of self-awareness; strive to truly understand and have an objective perception of your own self, your thoughts and feelings. Negative experiences are opportunities to heal the wounds that you carry. Support others, and by doing so you support yourself. Where you are unable to support others it is a sign that you are not adequately attending to your own needs.

Rule Eight - What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. Take responsibility for yourself. Learn to let go when you cannot change things. Don't get angry about things - bitter memories clutter your mind. Courage resides in all of us - use it when you need to do what's right for you. We all possess a strong natural power and adventurous spirit, which you should draw on to embrace what lies ahead.

Rule Nine - Your answers lie inside of you. Trust your instincts and your innermost feelings, whether you hear them as a little voice or a flash of inspiration. Listen to feelings as well as sounds. Look, listen, and trust. Draw on your natural inspiration.

Rule Ten - You will forget all this at birth. We are all born with all of these capabilities - our early experiences lead us into a physical world, away from our spiritual selves, so that we become doubtful, cynical and lacking belief and confidence. The ten Rules are not commandments, they are universal truths that apply to us all. When you lose your way, call upon them. Have faith in the strength of your spirit. Aspire to be wise - wisdom the ultimate path of your life, and it knows no limits other than those you impose on yourself.

Power Dressing

The right antidote to a bad day is “Power Dressing”. I got up groggy eyed and with a fat face and slowly limped to the washroom. I had slept right through a 12 hour of shut eye and through the alarm like a log. It was really cold and last night’s rain shower had turned the winter morning into an icy chilled atmosphere. I could hear the traffic on the road and the crows outside my window cawing and I grunted vaguely to myself. “This is going to be one of those days!”, "and surely, I was going to be late to work, yet again"!

Unfazed, I switched on Yanni’s musical notes to soothe me back to the land of the living, dried my hair and reached out for my best “feeling” attire on the rack while a thought passed through me, a quote.

"Dress sharply and they notice the dress. Dress impeccably and they notice the woman" – Coco Chanel,” quotes financier Sigourney Weaver to underling Melanie Griffith in the ‘80s movie classic, Working Girl.

Being noticed is possibly not my intention at work today, but feeling good about how I look does, especially when morning portrays bad luck in sign languages. I am not terribly fashion conscious as a person, not as much as others anyhow. But, whenever the disposition entitles, I reach out for my “feel good” clothes. This includes bright colors, such as red, blue, orange and yellow and anything that I know I look good in. Blacks, browns and grays were always left for the “mid-week days” when my body is in high mode of continuous activity and extra endorphins are not required. Sometimes with browns and whites, dark shades of brown lipstick and good eye makeup also assists me with extra mood lifts.

The whole idea of power dressing for me, rears its head and takes over whenever I look into the mirror and feel like screaming. It makes the D-day seem to hang like a proverbial Damocles sword over my head. The friendly, gregarious happy person that I usually am suddenly does a disappearing act and instead a dowdy alter ego stares back at me, or so it seems.

Just as my thoughts had predicted, there was excessive traffic jam, which hasn’t abated even though the Islamic festival is over. It goes without saying that I was late to work and to add to the misery of it, I left my mobile phone in the car. Even though the morning proved to be an ordeal, I was on cloud nine when I got on the lift at work. I flashed a dazzling smile to sleepy colleagues and sat down at my work table with extra vigor. So, imagine the art of Power Dressing. The whole idea being feel good, look good and stay good, throughout the day!

Perfect Rings

"If nothing ever went wrong in your life, you will never have a chance to grow stronger"

Some days are really cool while some are warm and requires the right amount of cooling agent to turn it into the right temperature. It rained last night, further cooling the skies with freshness on winter darkness showing us all that even the weather is not perfect. With the annual Islamic religious festival "the Biswa Ijtema", being held near my house it was a chore getting to work with congested traffic. Like Gabby in her article on yahoo health and fitness had said, "I felt like I was behind the 8 ball. I didn’t feel ahead or caught up on anything any more". But, this time it was not just the traffic. Even though, unlike Gabby, I thought I had my life is in more ‘control’ than ever before. Suddenly, this morning I got up and felt like a dog was chasing its tail. I felt I was going round in circles again, friends, work, time, family and even mistakes.

Yesterday, I was at a friend’s wedding held at the Radisson Hotel. It was the first exclusive Christian wedding I have attended in my life. While I watched the entire episode with avid interest and murmured the Lord’s Prayer just in time, people around me turned to stare in wonder. I nodded and smiled back at the astonished looks I received. Needless to say here, I have attended catholic schools all my life. There are some things you never forget; things such as Christmas carols or the Lord’s Prayer. The happy moments of my past has a way of making me wish I could get back in time. And for me, my African-lived school days including Christmas carols, church prayers and the morning assembly is like a constant force through memory lane . At the wedding, like Deja vu, with the past swirling around me, I was transported into a small girl again, saying the morning prayers at the school church early in the morning. If it's so easy to remember good times, however, how can I keep forgetting past mistakes, to be made over and over again? Perhaps, that shows, how like the winter skies, I am not perfect.

But after I got home, last night, like Gabby, I had a downward spiral. How can such good memories from the past bring you down so fast? This morning, after a bad night’s sleep and sweeping back and forth from the present to the past, and the past to the present with a thump, I had trouble crawling up from bed and facing 2007. So how can you get a leg up one day and not the other? Why is it that sudden pressure makes your eyeballs twitch? I stepped back and wondered whether my past was much better than my present. I shook my head with purpose, it cannot be so, the past has good times and the bad, just like my present, and with sudden flash of realization, I knew what I was doing. I was trying to shut myself off from the present tense for just a while there, making the same mistake, yet again. Like an ostrich, thinking if I can close my eyes, I would be invisible to the world. Whenever, I do that, I know there is something amiss.

So, as soon as I got to the office this morning, I made a mental note of securing my past tense with nice memory strings to be opened only to cherish and smile and not to have a tranquilizing effect the next day.

Firm decisions made, like Gabby, I am taking a step backwards today and asking myself how I could better deal with things to make a head start in all directions. It's nice to dwell on memory lanes for a while, but running in circles with major issues do not help unless if it's in the rectification of a cause. I need to break out of the past circles and head start out in a tangent. Life isn't perfect and neither am I, so why do I keep trying to make it all just so? Trying to be perfect is nice, but only when it doesn't push mental pressure into a crescendo, thus making us want to jump on a time machine and live on a different planet. And why am I trying to live a perfect life now? After all, like Gabby says, there is no finish line and the lines are not always smooth; no one is perfect, we have to notice the beauty of imperfection in the circle of life and live with the people within.