The Last Supper

I was drenched in sweat, my body shivering in fear, my hands cold and white from clenching the iron rods at the bedpost of my hostel bed, I was hyperventilating and couldn’t breathe. I felt physical pain rip through my head. My roommates woke up and saw my hair stuck to my forehead and my body trembling, tears streaming down my eyes, over my cheeks, falling heedlessly onto the blankets. I cried for almost an hour with sobs racking my soul. “Please help him, he won’t listen to me”, I pleaded to my bewildered hostel mates.

It was a nightmare I saw 8yrs ago: “Please hold my hand”, I sobbed. The dark cloudless night was menacing. There was an eerie whir of silence screaming out. One arm stretched outwards, I was trying to reach out to someone but it seemed impossible. He was fading away from sight. I shouted at him to catch hold of my hand, telling him that everything would be fine. I wanted to drag him to safety but his face was turned away. Tears rolled down my cheek and my long dark hair blew onto my face, obscuring my view. He must have been hurt, because he was sitting on the beach, waves lapped at his toes, barely touching. He didn’t move. When he turned to look at me, there was misery in his eyes as if he was suffering deeply from a dilemma no one could solve. As I looked on, his face seemed to turn darker and darker, until the skin stretched out and his flesh disappeared. His face turned into a skull as I watched in muted horror. Was there nothing I could do to help him? I ran forward and clutched at his shoulders trying to drag him away from unforeseen forces, but instead of flesh I felt bones.

I screamed and woke up!

1998, a few days later: I suddenly saw him sitting in my friend’s parlor. As I entered the room it virtually darkened. The smile on my face froze; I stared at him with melancholy apprehension. I was wearing a beautiful light blue dress with white embroidery work all over it, cool, contrary to my state of mind. As he turned around to look at me standing at the doorway my tongue stuck in my throat and my heart started beating faster in dread. He looked sad and forlorn and just as I watched, my nightmare came flooding back to me, the room faded from sight completely now, and I thought I saw him looking darker and scrawnier. I turned and ran out the door, my throat clogged and tears blinding me. I couldn’t reach out and communicate. We were not on speaking terms. How could I tell him about my dream when he couldn’t even bear the sight of me?

2006: I ran into him just a few months ago in a restaurant. He looked healthy, happy and successful. He called out to me and we had coffee. I was overwhelmed and a bit shy at the encounter as I didn’t expect him to be nice. But it was easier talking to him than I had anticipated. I could tell he was nervous, he almost knocked down the glass of water on the table, the spoon he held shook in his hands. We sat and spoke about the past, of college memories when we had first met and were friends, fun at college plays, childish squabbles at the canteen, silly pranks we had played at others, the funny habits of a few faculties and the friendship that had radically changed between us. I was amazed that time and years had actually healed all wounds. There was indeed a time when we would just pass each other on the street and turn away our heads. Such silly childish egos!

While we spoke, he suddenly smiled and stated with wonder “I can’t believe that you are talking to me”, and I smiled and replied back saying “but, it is I who cannot believe that you would ever speak to me either” we laughed out loud. We talked for another hour and decided to keep in touch, maybe meet up with the rest of our friends later and have a gala reunion party.

Later never came: I froze in muted horror as I listened to the news of his sudden sad demise. In distress my body shook with irrepressible shudders. I remembered the nightmare I had had eight years ago. Did it speak of a truth that waited to be told? Are we all given signals through various forms that we consistently ignore?

Today, as I recall the past, at this Christmas season: I realize that the only gift he had ever asked me to give him on a shopping spree at Christmas eight years ago was a small, intricately designed, solid metal statue of the “Last Supper”, with twelve disciples sitting at the table and Jesus Christ standing at the head of the table, arms outstretched. We were friends than, and I remember asking him why he chose the Last Supper amidst a plethora of various other items. He had smiled at me and had said….

“Little one, you don’t understand, this statue is very significant because it shows that none of us are on earth for ever, Jesus Christ knew he will be returning back to the other life but he was happy to be with his disciples for those few moments at supper. Likewise, we are all but transient beings on earth and we should be happy always. We should cherish each moment of our lives as one day we shall all have to leave”. With his smile and his words ringing in my ears today, I solemnly say a written goodbye to a wonderful being.

In his memory I write this blog with a sad heart and a prayer for his soul to rest in peace. I have learnt that nothing in the world is so bad that it cannot be forgiven or forgotten. Are our fates really pre-destined? Do we all build our own karma with what we do in life progressively? My mother always says, “Be good, no matter what, and leave the rest to God”.

Today I also believe that life should be lived just the way we want to live it, with honesty and compassion, with vigor and ethics, with love and humility. We should live it like a blazing meteor burning across the sky and not just a twinkling boring star stuck in the great universe. We should learn to give, love, and trust, forgive and forget as life goes on. For, if we don’t, we loose out on world’s greatest experiences. We shall all have our own destinies to fulfill, our own roads to travel and our own mistakes to learn from. Petty grudges, childish egos and virtual self esteem are nothing compared to the essence of living and loving and are only obstacles that keep us from enjoying life. Nothing is forever, as forever does not exist. We have to enjoy each moment, because the next time we get time to live that moment again, it won’t be the same.