The Last Supper

I was drenched in sweat, my body shivering in fear, my hands cold and white from clenching the iron rods at the bedpost of my hostel bed, I was hyperventilating and couldn’t breathe. I felt physical pain rip through my head. My roommates woke up and saw my hair stuck to my forehead and my body trembling, tears streaming down my eyes, over my cheeks, falling heedlessly onto the blankets. I cried for almost an hour with sobs racking my soul. “Please help him, he won’t listen to me”, I pleaded to my bewildered hostel mates.

It was a nightmare I saw 8yrs ago: “Please hold my hand”, I sobbed. The dark cloudless night was menacing. There was an eerie whir of silence screaming out. One arm stretched outwards, I was trying to reach out to someone but it seemed impossible. He was fading away from sight. I shouted at him to catch hold of my hand, telling him that everything would be fine. I wanted to drag him to safety but his face was turned away. Tears rolled down my cheek and my long dark hair blew onto my face, obscuring my view. He must have been hurt, because he was sitting on the beach, waves lapped at his toes, barely touching. He didn’t move. When he turned to look at me, there was misery in his eyes as if he was suffering deeply from a dilemma no one could solve. As I looked on, his face seemed to turn darker and darker, until the skin stretched out and his flesh disappeared. His face turned into a skull as I watched in muted horror. Was there nothing I could do to help him? I ran forward and clutched at his shoulders trying to drag him away from unforeseen forces, but instead of flesh I felt bones.

I screamed and woke up!

1998, a few days later: I suddenly saw him sitting in my friend’s parlor. As I entered the room it virtually darkened. The smile on my face froze; I stared at him with melancholy apprehension. I was wearing a beautiful light blue dress with white embroidery work all over it, cool, contrary to my state of mind. As he turned around to look at me standing at the doorway my tongue stuck in my throat and my heart started beating faster in dread. He looked sad and forlorn and just as I watched, my nightmare came flooding back to me, the room faded from sight completely now, and I thought I saw him looking darker and scrawnier. I turned and ran out the door, my throat clogged and tears blinding me. I couldn’t reach out and communicate. We were not on speaking terms. How could I tell him about my dream when he couldn’t even bear the sight of me?

2006: I ran into him just a few months ago in a restaurant. He looked healthy, happy and successful. He called out to me and we had coffee. I was overwhelmed and a bit shy at the encounter as I didn’t expect him to be nice. But it was easier talking to him than I had anticipated. I could tell he was nervous, he almost knocked down the glass of water on the table, the spoon he held shook in his hands. We sat and spoke about the past, of college memories when we had first met and were friends, fun at college plays, childish squabbles at the canteen, silly pranks we had played at others, the funny habits of a few faculties and the friendship that had radically changed between us. I was amazed that time and years had actually healed all wounds. There was indeed a time when we would just pass each other on the street and turn away our heads. Such silly childish egos!

While we spoke, he suddenly smiled and stated with wonder “I can’t believe that you are talking to me”, and I smiled and replied back saying “but, it is I who cannot believe that you would ever speak to me either” we laughed out loud. We talked for another hour and decided to keep in touch, maybe meet up with the rest of our friends later and have a gala reunion party.

Later never came: I froze in muted horror as I listened to the news of his sudden sad demise. In distress my body shook with irrepressible shudders. I remembered the nightmare I had had eight years ago. Did it speak of a truth that waited to be told? Are we all given signals through various forms that we consistently ignore?

Today, as I recall the past, at this Christmas season: I realize that the only gift he had ever asked me to give him on a shopping spree at Christmas eight years ago was a small, intricately designed, solid metal statue of the “Last Supper”, with twelve disciples sitting at the table and Jesus Christ standing at the head of the table, arms outstretched. We were friends than, and I remember asking him why he chose the Last Supper amidst a plethora of various other items. He had smiled at me and had said….

“Little one, you don’t understand, this statue is very significant because it shows that none of us are on earth for ever, Jesus Christ knew he will be returning back to the other life but he was happy to be with his disciples for those few moments at supper. Likewise, we are all but transient beings on earth and we should be happy always. We should cherish each moment of our lives as one day we shall all have to leave”. With his smile and his words ringing in my ears today, I solemnly say a written goodbye to a wonderful being.

In his memory I write this blog with a sad heart and a prayer for his soul to rest in peace. I have learnt that nothing in the world is so bad that it cannot be forgiven or forgotten. Are our fates really pre-destined? Do we all build our own karma with what we do in life progressively? My mother always says, “Be good, no matter what, and leave the rest to God”.

Today I also believe that life should be lived just the way we want to live it, with honesty and compassion, with vigor and ethics, with love and humility. We should live it like a blazing meteor burning across the sky and not just a twinkling boring star stuck in the great universe. We should learn to give, love, and trust, forgive and forget as life goes on. For, if we don’t, we loose out on world’s greatest experiences. We shall all have our own destinies to fulfill, our own roads to travel and our own mistakes to learn from. Petty grudges, childish egos and virtual self esteem are nothing compared to the essence of living and loving and are only obstacles that keep us from enjoying life. Nothing is forever, as forever does not exist. We have to enjoy each moment, because the next time we get time to live that moment again, it won’t be the same.

Move Your Cheese

"Just when I got all the answers of LIFE, they changed the question..."

Have you grown up making plans in life that does not apply once you get there? How many times have we seen things we always wanted to do and once we got there, it didn’t give us the same picture that it painted for us before? How many times have we made plans that were not needed to be planned? How many of us have wanted to see Taj Mahal in winter but didn’t expect the coldness of the marble?

What do we do when we are in such a dilemma as to being in the middle of life’s transition and changes? We have to read a good book called “Who Moved My Cheese” by Spencer Johnson. This profound, yet simple story tells of how to prepare for changes, how to make successful changes in life and how to overcome stenotype behavior in a simple way.

Twists and turns are good examples of my own life. I always wanted to be a teacher when I was young. Most children like that position of being big and powerful. My brother in fact, wanted to be Superman. The only difference is that when I did finally became a teacher; I realized that the rules had changed. Being a teacher was no longer as appealing as it was when I was 4yrs old.

So the next best thing to be was a computer expert. Armed with glee, the proper education background and eons of zeal, I went overboard and got a degree and a post graduation in that tech stuff. Until, finally when I was ready to work I realized that the job market had drastically declined over the phase of time. Unfazed, I headed on and became a marketing professional and went overboard again and decided to support my career with a degree majoring in it. Now, I am quite experienced in life and its changes you might say. But no, just like anyone else, I plan for the future, but than even future changes, right? So while I was having lunch with my friend Meera today, who is, another example of a successful and happy victim of life and its changes, a certified biochemist who worked as a manager of a bank, studied in the IT field and now presently is an interior designer and a mother. We have made another deal to check out what will become of us in the next ten years.

In today’s world, businesses and lifestyles need agility, innovation, and growth, yet we’ve found that change often fails to happen because most people simply don’t want to change or they lack the skills to do it effectively. But what about once the change is captured? We pant and struggle trying to capture a particular niche, a particular position, overcome various obstacles to reach a certain point but than what? We have to move on, furthur, make more plans, sometimes we do not have the same spirit to enjoy it, savor it and relish it just the way we wanted to.

So, if you are one of the lucky few, whose life has turned out exactly the way you have planned it, you surely have cause to celebrate, for now, you can change the course by adding on something else you might not have wanted to do, but now have been blessed with time to do it! Those of you a little behind, I see no cause to worry, its just a journey and you will be there soon without having to worry about the next course.

Sweets for Thoughts

Knipschildt Chocolatier was founded in 1999 by Fritz Knipschildt. It's made of 70% Valrhona cacao, which is blended into a creamy ganache with truffle oil. The truffle is then hand-rolled with a dark truffle on the inside and dusted with cocoa powder.

Chocopologie by Knipschildt

Cost : $2,600 per pound*

Where: Norwalk, Conn.

Web site: www.knipschildt.com

Ice creams with nuts, pista and caramel stuffings,

Deserts and chocolates with gold that can be eaten,

Cream cakes and sponge cakes with melted chocolate strings,

These are a few of my favorite things….

Right?

Wrong…!!!!

I still have to list down a few things that I love but the ones above certainly do not top the charts for me. It’s ironic since I love presenting people with boxes of chocolates, my latest project paper includes a business plan for opening up a local ice cream store, my first ever meaningful gift was a box of Toblerone and one of my closest friends own a chain of bakery stores!

It is often stated that a habit constitutes and makes a person. I have not been a young kid growing up without receiving my share of sweets, chocolates and ice creams. I was not deprived of having a sweet tooth, nor was I lavished. So now, since I have the ability to venture out and capture my own meals at my favorite dine outs, why don’t I gravitate towards those favorites called “Ice cream parlors”? Why is it that sometimes, I even have a fridge filled with chocolate bars which that I never touch? Why is it that when my friends want to run down to an ice cream parlor like Movenpick or Gelatto to gobble those chocolate waffles and tons of delicious ice cream with various yummy ingredients, while I just shrug my shoulders, tag along and order for a cup of flavored tea?

In times of stress, many people turn to french fries, ice cream, mac and cheese, and other fatty "comfort foods" to make themselves feel better. There might be important biological reasons for those cravings, according to a new theory. In our society, however, enduring stress is such an established fact of life and these wonderful sweet and comfort foods are so easy to get that it’s a wonder I am not caught up with it even though stress is part of my daily agenda. Do I have cause to envy people with stress relieving easy ‘way-outs”?

Let’s analyze this issue from another angle. "We humans are strange creatures", says Dawkins. If Dawkins is right then human life is permeated through and through with memes and their consequences. Everything we have learned by imitation from someone else is a meme. But we must be clear what is meant by the word `imitation' because our whole understanding of following “brain-telling” favorites depends on it. Here, my brain did not imitate with memes either even though my parents follow the norms of possessing a sweet tooth. Thereby, in retrospect, I have thus decided to revel in this wonderful feeling of having distinctively different qualities in the level of preferences as compared to most people.

“Each one of us is a special gift to the world and unique in our own ways; wrapped preciously in a different packages and composed of a combination of an exceptional set of talents

Fatherhood in the New Millenium

"Good fathering is hard work, but the most important kind of work men can do "(Pickard, 1998).

Here is Tashfiq Rahman, born on Oct 2006, weighing 6 kilos. Father’s email after the delivery was: “Women go through a lot to give birth to a new life. My respect for women went even higher and no relationship compares to motherhood “.

I received this wonderful picture from my ex-colleague, a picture taken with his three month old son, on a balcony, overlooking the city. The picture was well taken. With my inherent speculative nature my first impression regarding the shot was of a father ready to protect and bless a son who is soon to grow and adapt to the world he is born into, to life and its changes. It appeared that this dad here will make it easy for the little one all the way. (Though the real story behind the scene made me laugh out loud, for it was as far from my imagination as deemed possible).

As observed lately, I realized how involved fathers are with their children’s upbringing these days. Men are surely taking more interest in this new millineum in the upbringing of their children as opposed to earlier days. This is good news for the next generation because numerous studies have emphasized that fathers' availability and involvement reduce aggressive behavior in boys. Meaningful paternal involvement also improves the well-being of younger children. Fathers' expressiveness and intimacy with their children appear to have the greatest long-term implications for children's development'. Read more on fatherhood at :

http://www.ces.ncsu.edu/depts/fcs/smp9/parent_education/fatherhoodlessons15.htm

My heartfelt wishes today is to fatherhood, through a poem dedicated to the new fathers of the year and would-be fathers for the following year. Here's to christmas spirit and parenthood.

A Father's Prayer

Lord I'm askin’ for Your help, To raise my newborn son, Give me strength and guide me, ‘Cause I know that You're the one..

That sent this angel to me, A little heaven here on earth, For now I know my place in life... I'm no longer who comes first.

Once I had no answer, As to why it is I'm here, But when I looked into my baby's eyes.... It all became so clear.

This little bit of heaven Owns me, heart and soul, And it's You that sent him to me, A greater love I'll never know.

So take these rugged hands of mine, Help me to understand, Just what it is I need to do, To raise this little man.

My nephew: Marfiq Abdul Haque at birth with his proud father

Christmas Ahead

Christmas is just around the corner! This morning, I received a great snapshot from my sister and the king of our abode and a piece of my heart, my only Nephew Marfiq! He appears terrified of the rosy faced, red attired, gift bearer at his school. The picture reminded me of my younger days in Africa, where Christmas Father was darker and had a scary booming voice. Unlike my nephew however, I was always awed with his appearance and was often delighted whenever he appeared with gifts providing us all with an ingrained belief in reindeers and wishes coming true.

So, now that I am back to being a kid again, "what would I like for Christmas"? I asked myself. This morning saw me in high spirits, which I feel is a waste if I don’t celebrate. The quote on my calendar made me smile as it read “It’s good to be a better person, but don’t give up the goodness of the person you already are by treating yourself first”. Mind made up, I have decided to celebrate Christmas from Today…after all, who saw tomorrow?

This world could always be a better place to live in. Good high spirits always make us feel invincible and we should nurture it whenever we are lucky to have them. The Taxi driver, who brought me to work this morning, spent the entire trip to office telling me how his wife left him and a 9 month old baby to go off to Canada with her mom. Estrangement, loneliness, hurt and betrayed was his exact feelings. I fell for the tale, tipped him profusely and advised him to take heart and be patient and have faith in his wife to come back and take him there with her. At some point during his tale, I was not quite sure whether he was more interested in getting back with his wife or migrating to Canada with her. Anyways, let’s not be critical here, at least he was happy enough when he dropped me off while thinking of getting reunited.

After all, Christmas is almost here….!

I am celebrating the first day “towards Christmas” by having lunch at Pizza hut with two great people, my friends Tanmi and Imteaz. So, while I celebrate my first day to the 2006 Christmas, I wish you all a “Merry Christmas” in advance too!

A Noble Cause

Professor Mohammad Yunus in his speech at the Nobel Prize award has made us proud.

Here’s some excerpts from his speech that I really liked.

“Human beings are a wonderful creation embodied with limitless human qualities and capabilities. Our theoretical constructs should make room for the blossoming of those qualities, not assume them away. A human being is born into this world fully equipped not only to take care of him or herself but also to contribute to enlarging the well being of the world as a whole”…

“We create what we want, or what we don’t refuse. ….We wanted to go to the moon, so we went there. We achieve what we want to achieve. If we are not achieving something, its because we have not put our minds to it. We create what we want”…

“What we want and how we get to it depends on our mindset…”

Recently, a person I came across at a voluntary organization had problems which she felt she couldn’t get out of. She was depressed, pessimistic and totally at the end of her tethers. By listening to her, I realized one very important issue. She had more academic qualifications than I had at the moment and she could do something that I have always wanted to do.

So I told her, "If I was in your shoes dear, I would have got out of town where there there is no potential for growth and see which part of the world needs me".

For me it was just a passing idea but she took it up on a whim. She took trouble to browse the internet, applied for some of the programs being offered and applied accordingly. It took more trouble than she thought it would. But…

Not only did she receive an invitation from USAID Dhaka Mission to attend an International course on "Making decentralization work: Tools for policy makers and managers", which took place in "Harvard School of Public Health" but her presentation was recognized as being unique by the professors there. She spoke on "how the donors are creating problems in developing countries and wasting donors money". Her presentation was applauded for being unique and informative as this issue in an international forum and getting special attention will bring a change in the policy level in the coming days and will help the donors communicating with each other before committing funds for Bangladesh, the needy people will be addressed properly with donors valuable money.

Presently Dr. Rupa is tremendously successful, positive and highly motivated as a person.

The point here is, there are opportunities everywhere, we just don’t see them but they are there. So, next time you think you can’t get out of a situation because its too stifling, check out the options and change your mindset. Ask friends for their feedback and ideas. You never know, they might come up with an idea that you never could have thought of and it might change your life.

Hurray to Dr. Yunus in receiving the Noble Prize and changing the lives of thousands of people! We need more people like that in this world!

A dream

I am adding a recent dream seen on 3^rd dec which was so vivid that it etched itself in my mind. While I was browsing the forthcoming horoscope idly today I came across a pattern that was hard to miss. Here’s my dream followed by the horoscope prediction and you will surely find a connection.

The moon was full and bright and shining in the midst of inky purplish blue in the sky. I was on the deck, looking out. The ripples where the ship cut across the sea was hypnotizing. I was out on a mission. The journey stretched for days, until there was a calm lassitude amid the people on board.

My eyes saw nothing but deep dark sea water, my heart was heavy and my mind was blank. I was shrouded in misty clouds of nothingness. It was a place where nature touched its soft fingers around, threading through and swirling my hair out, my face glowing and tearless. With my arms resting on the beautiful balustrade on the top deck, the wooden floor glimmered with expensive polish and my mind wandered, beyond the phase of my life. The sunset that I had seen was spectacular, but now there was only a soft enveloping darkness. “How long will the journey last”? I wondered.

Behind me, there was a person. I couldn’t see who it was, but it must be someone I knew because I felt safe. There was a comfortable silence. We were both standing there for ages, lost in thought, looking out at the horizon. I realized that it was possible for two or more people to stand separate, be worlds apart, but still be together. It’s an intangible force of peace that nothing else can replace.

I woke up feeling completely lost. Was my dream trying to reach out and say something? Maybe I should be less practical and more idealistic, is that what it meant? Is my subconscious mind searching for something?

December 3, 2006 – Horoscope Prediction

You may feel a mixture of frustration and loneliness today. All you want is to spend a quiet evening with someone in your life, whom you cannot find anywhere. With planes coming in late and rush hour traffic being especially bad there is no way of connecting. Neither pager nor cell phones are any help today. But, take heart because your situation will change very soon.

Rough Market

The young people in the nation’s work force face a choppy job market in which entry-level wages have often trailed inflation, making it hard for many to cope with rising costs. There are so many people looking for the perfect job that it’s strange the market didn’t get saturated earlier. But what really portrays a dream job? Are the reasons always monetary related? If not, what are the reasons?

With the job market scenario getting more competitive than ever, how can one adhere to uphold their position? There has to be that extra panache in each person to actually make a difference to the company leaders, getting noticed or having a working condition made worthwhile.Amongst a few options I can illustrate two that are quite apparent, one is to use the traditional method of being extremely hard working and dedicated along with the extra flair. The second reason is more complex but interesting and is gaining popularity in different levels. One can rightly term it as “office politics” where one can climb on the back of a prominent cash cow and take a free ride all the way to the top. In such cases, one has to note that it’s imperative that one climbs the back of a cow while others are not watching or else there will be a lot of tripping over each other in the attempt to securing the right seat aboard.

One has to realize that such attempts can get a person to take a ride somewhere, but when one does, what’s the next step?

Cecilia E. Rouse, an economist at Princeton University and a co-editor of a forthcoming book on the economics of early adulthood had said “People are getting married later, they’re having children later, and they’re buying houses later,” “There’s been a lengthening of the transition to adulthood, and it is very possible that what has happened in the economy is leading to some of these changes.” Mark Zandi, chief economist at Moody’s Economy.com, said it was surprising how deeply young workers were going into debt to maintain the living standards they want.

Sweet Memories

"It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them."- Ralph Waldo Emerson.

The first day I met Munira was in school. She was, and still is, a young lady with a charming personality, a gorgeous smile and a calm serenity that is sure to surround anyone in the vicinity of her beauty. She is truly a lovely person radiating and sparkling from within.

I will always remember those lovely moments we spent together being silly, giggly, crazily happy little girls. Never at that point of our life did we foresee what we would be doing ten years from that point onwards. We were just mere carefree souls ready to embrace life and love everyone and everything with a vengeance that came in the combination of forces full of trust, fun and laughter. Life has evolved for both of us over the years, taking us over the precipice of changes that it had to offer and finally bringing us to the pinnacle we are standing at right now. So, here we are now, where we had possibly never planned to be!

Over the years, we have been in touch. Even though I haven't seen Munira for almost a decade now, I can admirably gaze at the picture she sent me today and reveled at her ability to look "just the same" despite the trials and the years in between.

So, here's "hat's off" for the pretty lady. May her smile glow forever!

Instant Decision Making Factor

I have always wanted to own a crystal ball so that I can foresee changes in life and act accordingly. But, unfortunately, I don’t own a crystal ball, a genie or a magic lamp. What does one do in cases where decision making in a split second is an instant requirement? Do we always take the right decisions in life? Freud may not be scientific when he says "every dream fulfills a desire," but his new interpretative key produces in many subjects some sort of "insight" which falls between knowledge and mere interpretation. But do we shape our lives according to our desires or other circumstances, or a combination of both? While I am still grappling at decision making phases during the turning points of my life here’s an interesting excerpt on magical crystals.

In a crystal ball the points of light reflected from the polished surface (points de repere) serve to attract the attention of the gazer and to fix the eye until, gradually, the optic nerve becomes so fatigued that it finally ceases to transmit to the sensorium the impression made from without and begins to respond to the reflex action proceeding from the brain of the gazer. In this way the impression received from within is apparently projected and seems to come from without. For more: http://www.jjkent.com/articles/crystal-balls-divination-history.htm http://www.jjkent.com/articles/crystal-balls-history-religion.htm

Moral of the Day: “Don’t ‘believe’ in all you see, ‘listen’ to all you hear and ‘speak’ out all you know”.